Sleepless night...

Not sure why, but for some strange reason, I can’t get to sleep on a nice cooling night such as this.

Maybe it’s cause, I wanted to finish reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows for the 2nd time, maybe I’m feeling too energetic after the work out session earlier, maybe, I wanted to get started on TMA02 of the silly effective communications (EC), maybe, I’m still slightly bothered about the tiff I had with hubby yesterday, maybe, just maybe, I kind of enjoy sitting alone in this small study room, reading, surfing net, looking and reading from the EC text from time to time, listening to late night music with a cool breeze blowing my way all the time. I hardly have the chance to sit and be alone nowadays, doing nothing and just to enjoy the serenity of the late nights, with no one to bother or distract me.

I feel at peace with the world, at peace with myself. It’s just such bliss to be sitting here, doing what I want to do and have the whole (almost) house to myself.

Not really sure, why I’m suddenly feeling so antisocial or withdrawn, this is so unlike me. But I guess, every person need to find themselves sometime, somehow. And this seems to be the way that I can ‘connect’ myself to myself.

Nothing much has been happening. Except that work is taking a toll on me. I’ve been making phone calls after phone calls, to physical people, who are 1) super hard to get 2) never return phone calls and 3) are not interested in what I have to offer.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not doing insurance or some other MLM or goodness knows what… Just that we are in the midst of preparing for a major event in mid Oct. And till now, for the preliminary session on 5 Sep, we’ve not manage to reach our target number of teams. So, that’s what I’ve been doing, calling and calling potential “customers” to send in teams for this competition. And yes, to NO avail. Since, 90% of the time, I can’t reach them. We’ve already sent hard copies of the letters thru snail mail, email, REPEAT emails AND phone calls now. Still NO response. It’s ok if they don’t want to participate, at least let us know! So we can drop them from the list and concentrate on others, instead of making me call and call and call the SAME person!!!

Hai…. Pretty sucks. Ya.

Then I had a tiff with hubby last night. True, it has upset me a bit. It’s about his choice to study or not and also what course to take if he were to bite the bullet and do it. I know I should not force him to take a course nor from an institution if he is not willing or not comfortable to do the program with them. But what irked me was that, he seem to not be able to make up his mind. One moment, he could be telling me, he want to do engineering, the next business related course, one moment, tell me he want to upgrade himself and continue study. Yet, his actions (or rather lack of it) seems to tell me that he is not interested in pursuing a bachelor degree.

To be honest, I’m fine with it either way, whether he do it or not, whether is it business related or engineering related. It doesn’t bother me much. Though of course, for his sake, I do think that he should go and upgrade. But, if he doesn’t and is not interested to, then don’t. What really made me upset was that, he can’t seem to make up his mind! Needless to say, stick to the decision.

I really feel, as his wife, I’ve said what I can and should say. I’ve already done what I can, short of just lying the cards on the table and tell him, “Look, you should enroll with XXX and do this program.” I’ve asked him questions hoping that he will search himself on his strengths and weakness and in the process come up with possible solutions, programs, institutions and situations that he can make his final decision. Yet, all I see is his indecisiveness and lack of actions in doing anything.

I am the spouse, not the mother, and I have no wish to behave like a mother hen, pecking at him to do this and that. Hubby is old and mature enough to take responsibilities for his own actions. At times, like this, I really feel lousy…

But on the bright side, owing to my own silly-ness, my lessons do not commence till Sep, so I’m pretty free still. So, I try to do my EC TMAs in advance, though they are not due till early Sep, mid Sep and early Oct. My plan is to actually finish them by the end of this month! So that, come next month, when my main modules start, I can devote more time on it.

Or maybe, the reason of my sleepless night is also partly owing to financial reasons? I’ve sooooo overspend last month that I’ve to take $ from my savings account to pay for my purchases.

Feeling the heat now, especially since, in a matter of hours, we’ll be making a trip to the tour agency to make our booking and deposit for our year end pilgrimage to Israel. It’s not exactly expensive, considering that the price includes meals, accommodation, flights, transport, guide and also the mandatory tips. But still, it’s at least $8K for the both of us. I know, we can still back out at this moment, since we have not pay the deposit. But, we both (or rather, me, VERY much) want to go. Hubby is the usual “ok lor” kind of attitude.

Thank God, hubby at least holds a job now, so even though, we have a trip to be saving for now, there’s income to cover it.

The other reason why this issue is bothering me is also if hubby decides to study, then how and where we find funds for his school fees? I know there are various loans available, but we wish to avoid that if possible. So the only way left? Save, save, SAVE!!!!

Knowing myself, this 4 letter word hardly appears in my dictionary. I can’t seem to master the art of savings and reduce my expenses. I know why. Too little discipline and too many temptations.

Also, I can’t help but also worry about how on earth I’m gonna manage my studies for this semester. Though my main lessons start in Sep, I know for modules like this, (5 credits), there are 2 online quizzes and a group project to be handled in early and mid October! It’s also right smack into the major event that I’m involved in.

Some of my classmates have taken these 2 modules, and ALL of them agree that it’s not easy! Among all of them, there’s 2 of them who had to re-sit for the papers at the end of this semester! Which means, though they have sat for the paper last sem, they failed and they’ll be doing 1 of the modules with me at the end of this semester! How not to be worried and troubled?

Hai…

And yeah, so all this worrisome thoughts are going thru my brain and hence rob my sleep. But even though, I've been awake since 6.30 am (yesterday, though it still feels like today), I'm not the least bit tired and counting the hours, I've been awake for almost 20 hours now. I wonder, just how much more longer am I going to sit here and blog and not go to sleep?

Of course, hubby is asleep now since he's working tomorrow later. He had to change his shift as I've signed up for the marriage workshop on 1 Sep, which as usual, he gave his famous "ok lor" response and honestly, he was not keen in going. But as always, he leave the decision to me. =/

I guess, the toll of all these are finally getting to me, I'm feeling very lousy from all these, and I need an area to vent it all out.

I'm sick and tired of making plans, of laying down plans, of listening to "ok lor" and also rather sick of having conversations with a man who seems so fickle minded. Of having to make phone calls after phone calls to almost non-existent people, of having to do research, homework on those assignments, worrying about the quizzes, projects (which are sure to come) and also exams. Sick of my overspending and having to fret over financial issues.

Can say that I worry too much since those quizzes, projects and exams don't even come till Oct, but, in a flash it's gonna be here and with work stress pilling up, I'm really not confident of handling it all.

I'm also very tired of making all the decisions. I want to sit back, relax and be pampered too. I want to enjoy, take a backseat and let hubby plan and decide, but he just won't. He simply just W-O-N-T! I've no idea why. But my gut feelings tell me it's that cause, all these time, I've been doing it and he is simply too comfortable and happy to let me to continue doing it.

I really must stop spending sooo much. Would cutting up my credit cards, ATM card be a good way to start, you reckon?

I never knew, I'm feeling all these at the same time. I thought I was at peace with the world and myself. Guess, I'm not so peaceful after all. =/